Just Don't

Don't ever take anything for granted.
Don't ever try and make things more than they are.
Don't ever feel you're alone.
Don't ever feel unimportant.
Don't ever let yourself slide.
Don't ever give in to addiction and routine.
Don't ever try and let go of life, it goes away on it's on way too fast.
Don't ever do anything halfway. Attack life head on.
Don't ever try to live through others.
Don't ever forget that miracles do happen.
Don't ever let yourself into darkness.
Don't ever forget what light looks like.
Don't ever be me.

I

waxed lachrymose for the first time in a long time.

Pretty Dumb

So I feel pretty dumb right now. I lied to my dad and I didn't need to. I act stupid around my friends and I've been a basic dumbass all day. I understand why I am the way I am I just don't want to accept it because I don't know how to change it. It's something that I wish were dynamic but seems to be static. Hmm, I don't know exactly where I'm going with this. I seem to just be being a bitch as is the usual.

I need a break.

From what, I don't know.

Or maybe I do and am afraid to admit it


...or at least act upon it.

Maybe I just need to stop this post, before it becomes another bitch fest. That's all I seem to do here; complain about my life and worry about punctuation. Why does it all matter. My problems are stupid. They're all in my head and if I had half a brain to think about it I would stop, but I have a whole one and am able to rationalize everything. And I know that you can rationalize anything, but I just twist in circles until I spin my self dizzy and fall into the pit that I was trying to stay out of and then get into. It doesn't make any sense.

Maybe if I had a half a brain I could have faith too. Or at least accept it more easily. Not to say that all people who do have faith are dumb but it would easier if I didn't tie myself in knots.

Maybe I'm giving myself too much credit. I'm not that smart and I'm just afraid of commitment.

I'm such a dumbass. I don't know how to end it without hurting myself. But why do I matter

I don't think I matter but some of the things I do do matter for some stupid reason. I've been given a bunch of responsibilities and almost no want to live on this earth.

Maybe that's why I've been given responsibilities. Gosh this hurts. Pain helps me though, it motivates me. I need more pain. It'll make everything okay.

Believe

So here it is folks. A type of blog that I haven't published in a long time. If Matt Brady is reading this, this is like "I'm a Stupid Dumbass", but better. So today, May 13th 2007 is the day that I pledge to stop looking at porn and masturbating. I don't know what came over me to make me want to do this, but something did. Anywho, I'm gonna try and become closer to God and less close to Larry Flint. I think it's a good policy.

I don't know how well, I will do with this, but I do know that I will try. I probably won't be perfect, but I'll try to do my best. I'm going to do everything in my power to make this my best attempt yet. It's not going to be robot like. It's going to be organic, it's going to be real. I'm ready to give myself up, let myself go and make a change. I just need to be strong and believe.

Good night to all and to all a good night.

Basic Instincs

There is a problem inherent in almost all of us. We have two warring factions inside of each of us which are continually working in opposing directions. There are the instincts which in us which strive for good, what is right, and is morally justified. Then, on the other side of that, is the side of us which is in opposition to all of that.

I guess I don't know a ton of concrete examples of this type of thing except one very prevalent one in me and its kinda....really odd. Okay, so my mom has always been a little overweight and been on a diet. I know this, so in my family there was always a premium put on being healthy and eating well. I've always had a well defined understanding of fitness and I know how to read a nutrition facts label.

That being said, I took this understanding of what a fit person was and applied to it to my model of an "ideal woman" when I reached that stage. Then somehow, I don't know exactly how it happened. I realized that I also really liked the way big girls looked. This disturbed me, and still does, but there's not much I can do about it. At least in fantasy, larger women are attractive to me.

There seems to be only one explanation to this. Since the desire for sex is a "base instinct" which should be suppressed (according to many) then my desire for something out side, and completely opposed to my pure moral ideals would align itself with my sexual instinct. Sorry if that doesn't make sense. To put more simply, sex is bad and being fat is bad so the two are very close to one another.

Anywho, I find this be true. This blog is part insightful and part confessional. I don't know if I'll ever get over my "issues" but who knows. I feel like a bad person sometimes but I'm comforted by the fact that I'm not perfect and neither is anyone else.

There Are Miracles

So, I decided to move away from the old "Why?" naming scheme, seeing as I got zero responses to all of my posts. But it's all good.

Anywho, the title really belies the true nature of this post. It really has to do with girls. Here is my main dilemma. I really wish I had a girlfriend. Someone I was really close to and supported me and everything. But I honestly don't like anyone at school and there haven't been a whole lot of opportunities for me to be with girls outside of Gustine. I know that I'll be graduating soon and stuff(if you can call a year soon). And any relationship I have here probably won't mean anything, but I'm not sure. You never know.

I find myself looking for attention from girls, just anyone, just to feel good about myself. I know that that's shallow, but I don't know where else to come by it. Sometimes, a guy just a girl to tell him he rocks. I don't know. I understand that I'm very blessed and that I shouldn't need this, but for some reason I do.

I have a lot on my plate right now. I don't think I can understand all of it quite yet. Maybe one day I will. Later.

Why is it Called Amazing Grace?

Isn't that a great name for a song. Amazing Grace. What a title. It sets you up with some really high expectations. It makes you feel like that you should go away from this a better person than you were when you began listening to it. I'm not sure where the title originated but it was made by someone with some very high expectations.

There are some interesting this when it comes to Amazing Grace. The title implies that it is a soothing song, maybe the Christian equivalent to Yoga music. Interestingly enough however, it is played on the bagpipes traditionally, which are fairly shrill and loud instruments. Bagpipes are an instrument of battle.

Maybe that is the point though. To use an instrument of battle to play an anthem to the fallen. To show that soldiers have a much more sensitive side. That sounds really stupid but let me try and explain it this way. The same knife that could be used to slay someone on the battlefield can be used to carve a magnificent turkey dinner. Thus, Amazing Grace on the bagpipes is to show the duality of life.


Is that short enough.