Why is Fear so Strong?

I'm really liking the way I'm titling these blogs even if no one is reading them. To think not that long ago I had a horrible fear of anyone ever seeing them. Now I know no one will ever see them at all and I don't really care. I guess I could email Matt or Matt, but I don't think I really care. It's kinda cool to have a place on the web that is unknown, in uncharted territory, but is there nonetheless, filled with the rand information of my life.

The real reason I'm writing this blog is because of a girl. I know I'll never see her again, but I guess that's okay. Actually, it's about two girls. Whoa I'm confusing myself. Slow down Brian....Okay, I'm good.

So today at the CSF conference I saw the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my entire life. She had flaming straight red hair. I Guess, that was her best asset, as well as her eyes. She had a good body too, I guess that is important to note, but once I realize a girl is not physically horrible looking I move on to other things. Anyways the point of the story is that I was totally amazed by this girl. Claudia told me I should talk to her, just to say I did. I didn't. But it brought me back to a time last summer, and a series of events I'll never forget.

I went to a summer program called NYLF last summer, it was like 2,000 high school students in a hotel in San Jose, it was really cool. When I went on a field trip to a college I met a girl whose name I will always remember Laurelie. She was beautiful, not as beautiful the girl who was at the CSF conference but probably second to that. Anywho, we met talking in line waiting for the bus. It just came naturally, when we got on the bus I sat next to her. We talked the whole way there. She was a little odd, and a Muslim, though her parents were Christians, but overall a very nice girl. When we got to the college we got split up but met up again for the ride back.

The point of this story is coming, I swear. After we arrived back at the hotel she said she was going to meet up with her friend for dinner. Right at the moment she said that I made the worst decision I think I've ever made, or at least regret it the most. I had the chance to ask her if I could join her. I had a chance to basically ask a girl out on date that I had never met before. I had a chance to get a girl not because of any preconceived notion of who I was but for who I really was. I told her I was going to get some dinner at the hotel, and I hoped she had fun.

I'll always remember going up the stairs, and looking back and seeing her behind me. I had hoped she had taken the escalator if only because that would mean we were different. Maybe if she had I wouldn't be writing this today. I wouldn't be so regretful. But she took the stairs. The fact that she was tough enough to take the hard way and that she was practically following me. I still had the chance to ask her then, at the top of the stairs, but again I was a fool.

I saw her only once more the rest of the week. She took a picture of me in front of my project. She has a picture of me, a memory. I will never see her face again.

I'm not sure that there is a moral to this story, I just felt it needed to be told. I'll never get over being that cowardly. I was gonna prove to the world that I wasn't clueless when it came to girls, or at least every once in a while I got lucky, but I didn't. I have yet to find a meaningful relationship, and, though I don't think this experience is holding me back, it would be easier if I had made the right choice. Even if dinner was a disaster, at least I would have had the courage to defy my own stereotype of myself.