Why Do We Examine the Past?

Well, today I stumbled into something I haven't seen in a long time. Joel wrote a blog a long time ago about a song by Relient K called "When I Go Down". It's a really awesome song, and I never realized this but he put all the most important parts in different colors, to illustrate his points. It was really cool. It have to have taken a long time. He must have been going through a lot of stuff then.

Then I went and read the comments. The first and last, by cindy and moasis respectively, were basically telling Joel to keep his chin up and telling him he is a good guy. This is very true, and probably what Joel wanted, or maybe not. I shouldn't presume to know what others want or need.

The middle comment was by me. I wrote something that really rang true for me today. It was along the lines of "In life pain and sorrow are superimposed upon feelings of joy and love". This seems so stupidly simple and yet how easy it is to forget it.

I mean, about 2 weeks ago, I did one of the most fulfilling things I've ever done in going to Coffeehouse and then up to Nathan's cabin. I honestly had never felt that close to God, or even to myself for that matter. I felt that I had a place in the world, I felt that everything was perfect.

Those feelings soon escaped me of course as I fell and fell and fell. Those thoughts of joy soon began to seem distant and now, just two weeks later, I feel like I'm looking back on something that will never be true again.

And maybe it won't be, because life is always changing. But why should the past be distant? Why is it so hard to hold on to everything that you want? Why is it so hard hold on to what is good and true and right? Is the devil really that strong, or are we really that weak?

I think the short answer to that is we really are that weak. We don't have the ability to hold onto the good because by doing so we have to let go of the bad. You can't straddle the Grand Canyon and you can't live your life as half good and half evil for very long.

I think that reconciles something that I personally struggled with for a long time, submitting myself fully to God. God realizes that you can't be both with him and against, so you must submit fully. I need to try harder to do this. And I will try, because in real life Yoda is wrong. There is no do or do not, only try.

Now to finish this post a small section of "When I Go Down" by Relient K.

Any control I thought I had
Just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head
and reprimands me.
Reprimands me.
Then and there, I confess,
I blame all this on my selfishness!
Yet You love me.
That consumes me.
I'll stand up again and do so willingly.