I

waxed lachrymose for the first time in a long time.

Pretty Dumb

So I feel pretty dumb right now. I lied to my dad and I didn't need to. I act stupid around my friends and I've been a basic dumbass all day. I understand why I am the way I am I just don't want to accept it because I don't know how to change it. It's something that I wish were dynamic but seems to be static. Hmm, I don't know exactly where I'm going with this. I seem to just be being a bitch as is the usual.

I need a break.

From what, I don't know.

Or maybe I do and am afraid to admit it


...or at least act upon it.

Maybe I just need to stop this post, before it becomes another bitch fest. That's all I seem to do here; complain about my life and worry about punctuation. Why does it all matter. My problems are stupid. They're all in my head and if I had half a brain to think about it I would stop, but I have a whole one and am able to rationalize everything. And I know that you can rationalize anything, but I just twist in circles until I spin my self dizzy and fall into the pit that I was trying to stay out of and then get into. It doesn't make any sense.

Maybe if I had a half a brain I could have faith too. Or at least accept it more easily. Not to say that all people who do have faith are dumb but it would easier if I didn't tie myself in knots.

Maybe I'm giving myself too much credit. I'm not that smart and I'm just afraid of commitment.

I'm such a dumbass. I don't know how to end it without hurting myself. But why do I matter

I don't think I matter but some of the things I do do matter for some stupid reason. I've been given a bunch of responsibilities and almost no want to live on this earth.

Maybe that's why I've been given responsibilities. Gosh this hurts. Pain helps me though, it motivates me. I need more pain. It'll make everything okay.