Basic Instincs

There is a problem inherent in almost all of us. We have two warring factions inside of each of us which are continually working in opposing directions. There are the instincts which in us which strive for good, what is right, and is morally justified. Then, on the other side of that, is the side of us which is in opposition to all of that.

I guess I don't know a ton of concrete examples of this type of thing except one very prevalent one in me and its kinda....really odd. Okay, so my mom has always been a little overweight and been on a diet. I know this, so in my family there was always a premium put on being healthy and eating well. I've always had a well defined understanding of fitness and I know how to read a nutrition facts label.

That being said, I took this understanding of what a fit person was and applied to it to my model of an "ideal woman" when I reached that stage. Then somehow, I don't know exactly how it happened. I realized that I also really liked the way big girls looked. This disturbed me, and still does, but there's not much I can do about it. At least in fantasy, larger women are attractive to me.

There seems to be only one explanation to this. Since the desire for sex is a "base instinct" which should be suppressed (according to many) then my desire for something out side, and completely opposed to my pure moral ideals would align itself with my sexual instinct. Sorry if that doesn't make sense. To put more simply, sex is bad and being fat is bad so the two are very close to one another.

Anywho, I find this be true. This blog is part insightful and part confessional. I don't know if I'll ever get over my "issues" but who knows. I feel like a bad person sometimes but I'm comforted by the fact that I'm not perfect and neither is anyone else.