Believe

So here it is folks. A type of blog that I haven't published in a long time. If Matt Brady is reading this, this is like "I'm a Stupid Dumbass", but better. So today, May 13th 2007 is the day that I pledge to stop looking at porn and masturbating. I don't know what came over me to make me want to do this, but something did. Anywho, I'm gonna try and become closer to God and less close to Larry Flint. I think it's a good policy.

I don't know how well, I will do with this, but I do know that I will try. I probably won't be perfect, but I'll try to do my best. I'm going to do everything in my power to make this my best attempt yet. It's not going to be robot like. It's going to be organic, it's going to be real. I'm ready to give myself up, let myself go and make a change. I just need to be strong and believe.

Good night to all and to all a good night.

Basic Instincs

There is a problem inherent in almost all of us. We have two warring factions inside of each of us which are continually working in opposing directions. There are the instincts which in us which strive for good, what is right, and is morally justified. Then, on the other side of that, is the side of us which is in opposition to all of that.

I guess I don't know a ton of concrete examples of this type of thing except one very prevalent one in me and its kinda....really odd. Okay, so my mom has always been a little overweight and been on a diet. I know this, so in my family there was always a premium put on being healthy and eating well. I've always had a well defined understanding of fitness and I know how to read a nutrition facts label.

That being said, I took this understanding of what a fit person was and applied to it to my model of an "ideal woman" when I reached that stage. Then somehow, I don't know exactly how it happened. I realized that I also really liked the way big girls looked. This disturbed me, and still does, but there's not much I can do about it. At least in fantasy, larger women are attractive to me.

There seems to be only one explanation to this. Since the desire for sex is a "base instinct" which should be suppressed (according to many) then my desire for something out side, and completely opposed to my pure moral ideals would align itself with my sexual instinct. Sorry if that doesn't make sense. To put more simply, sex is bad and being fat is bad so the two are very close to one another.

Anywho, I find this be true. This blog is part insightful and part confessional. I don't know if I'll ever get over my "issues" but who knows. I feel like a bad person sometimes but I'm comforted by the fact that I'm not perfect and neither is anyone else.

There Are Miracles

So, I decided to move away from the old "Why?" naming scheme, seeing as I got zero responses to all of my posts. But it's all good.

Anywho, the title really belies the true nature of this post. It really has to do with girls. Here is my main dilemma. I really wish I had a girlfriend. Someone I was really close to and supported me and everything. But I honestly don't like anyone at school and there haven't been a whole lot of opportunities for me to be with girls outside of Gustine. I know that I'll be graduating soon and stuff(if you can call a year soon). And any relationship I have here probably won't mean anything, but I'm not sure. You never know.

I find myself looking for attention from girls, just anyone, just to feel good about myself. I know that that's shallow, but I don't know where else to come by it. Sometimes, a guy just a girl to tell him he rocks. I don't know. I understand that I'm very blessed and that I shouldn't need this, but for some reason I do.

I have a lot on my plate right now. I don't think I can understand all of it quite yet. Maybe one day I will. Later.